but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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