I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
