i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
