Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
