so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
