sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
