I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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