This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
