Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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