You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
