The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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