The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
