he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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