I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
