I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
