writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
