I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Randomize
