If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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