Me too!
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
