I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
