DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Randomize
