you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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