this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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