I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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