We're facebook friends in real life
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
