I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
people are starting to question the shark bite story
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
