I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
