Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
