i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
