he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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