Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
