You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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