I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
