dude i'm inner monologue high
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
50% drunk capacity currently
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize