Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
