I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Best friends brother. Beat that.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
