According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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