I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
