He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
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