Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
