im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
