Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
