i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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