The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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