Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
