I wish life had little blips of pornography
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
