seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
