When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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