sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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