Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize