Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
