Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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