So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
