Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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