I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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