i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
