I met the friendliest cop last night
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
